Wednesday, August 1, 2012

A Home To Me Now







How shall I speak when you leave me so nearly speechless?  I walk to the window and watch the darkness come, then return to read your words once more.  

Leah, you ask if I have moved toward a situation that feels like home.  Until I came here two days ago I had not.  Now I have.  The welcome you all have given me is the ground beneath my feet and a home to me now. 

I am so very glad to meet you Sally. Thank you for your kind words of comfort and encouragement.  And Thomas, you could not feel more discombobulated than I!  But I am glad you feel as you do.  You are right.  Thank you everyone.  Has a mourner ever been so generously comforted?
 
In three short days you have taught me something about my love I did not know.

I love the body and soul of the Conversation.  To me it is the beginning and the end of everything.  For many years I thought that my husband and I in our house were alone in that love. 

Then slowly others came to share our Conversation, and others more, and they became my world.  But they were very few, and they required everything to enter into its spirit.  They could not do without the land, the woods, the night and the fire.

Now I see that the Conversation was enclosed only on one side by the house and the woods.  On the other side it is as open as the sky.

I never dreamed there were people like you who hunger in earnest for the Conversation as I have always done.  People who have eyes to see and ears to hear, who do not need more than I now have to give.

In my heart I am so deeply comforted.  You have taught me there is a spirit in the air today that has a body in your individual lives, each seeking a home in the Conversation. 

I did not know why I chose out that quotation from Emerson to stand watch over our days together.  Somehow it seemed right.  A spirit, a house, a world, a heaven.  

Now I know why.  I had my house and left it.  I had my world and lost it.  You are the heaven that my spirit went seeking.

Tomorrow morning I want to begin the grateful work of answering you each individually.  

Good night and thank you all!

18 comments:

  1. ..."build therefore your own world." you have inspired us to build our world and to share our worlds. I have been visiting the Innermost House page for a few months, ever since stumbling across it one day. Thank you for sharing your innermost world.

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  2. Your comment above "I had my house and I left it..".. chases very close to my heart. Concrete pain.. Whenever I have said those two words together, everyone has looked at me with a question mark above their heads. So I stopped saying it...until now. Thank you.

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  3. I'm happy that you're now in a situation that feels like home again. Thanks in large part to the effect you and innermost house have had on my spirit I'm finally getting there also. Many prayers and thanks........

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  4. Diana, my hope is that great things are on the horizon for you and I do have a sense that they are. Regarding the blog: Many beautiful thoughts have been expressed, by you, Diana; and by others. In the last few months of visiting, I am not sure what I have to exchange here, so I have been shy about sharing. The experience of knowing about IH has left me asking myself questions like: Is it actually a continuum of a conversation of truth that I have been seeking as I have moved from stage to stage in life (an Innermost House)? Sometimes I hesitate to believe it is, in case I still have not found it. There are times when I do visit here, the writing seems very mysterious. One angle of me reads and tries to understand the symbolism in the writing, and then I must retreat for a bit. I think what has been revealed to me is that I want more patience to understand the more subtle communication. And knowing there is something unique and kindly here; I keep returning.

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  5. Diana, I have followed you before the video of your home, Facebook and blog. I look forward to the conversation.

    Lydia

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  7. A few weeks ago, I came across IM by chance, or maybe perhaps this was on purpose, because like so many, I have discovered a great need to return to simplicity, and I am so grateful to find this connection through Diana and all of you who write. In a world that seems to increasingly overwhelm me, I am glad to know that there are like minded souls who are willing to share themselves through the Conversation.

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  8. Hello, Diana. It's the simple one again. As I struggle to understand things like "the conversation," my mind always seems to drift to the mundane. I hope you can some day - maybe when it's not too painful - share with us what happened that made you leave Innermost House. I know there are many obstacles to tiny houses in our society and it might be helpful to those of us who dream of little houses to know what some of the pitfalls may be. Thank you. Al

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  9. Thank you Diana for your wonderful posts. As my daughter can tell you I rarely cry because crying is for deep heart moments, spiritual awakenings..... I wept when I read this last post. I am not sure why other then feeling like someone else understands. If I speak of things like a conversation with poets or artist of the past, the rhythm of the day or stopping to listen to nature most think I am crazy. To connect with another in understanding of "the more" is a blessing. I know for myself being a visual/auditory learner moving to the country is when I started to hear and see. To see life and death continue day after day, the ebb and flow, the cycle, the noise of the woods... I now can take moments to go back for visits with friends without feeling the weight of the world crush me. I pray you have time to continue to share with us your journey. Blessings, Stacy

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  10. Thinking of you, Diana and Michael, and holding you in the Light. x
    Interesting: Diana is (in mythology) the huntress, and Michael the Guardian. Diana is associated with wild animals and woodlands, and Michael's feast is set at the Autumn equinox, when he encourages us to prepare, to make ready for our winter-times. Michael is also a dragon slayer - putting to death all tricksiness and prevarication. He is on the side of truth. Diana is a moon lady, a person of purity and subtlety, a trusty companion and a watcher. What a good team. Heavenly and earthy too, and very practical. God bless you.

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    1. I LOVE this! Thanks for telling us the background of the names. Sounds like a match made in heaven!

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  11. Dear Diana! For all of my life I have been seeking home, and for most of that time I have been seeking a Place. Lately I have come to realize that it is not so much that Home is Where the Heart Is, but rather that Home is IN the Heart. Accordingly, while I still long for and dream of my special Place, I'm finally finding peace, because at last I am in touch with my innermost self - and that I owe to you.

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    1. Hi Suzanne, I travelled a similar journey as you did. Thank you for putting it so well.
      All my adult life I had this recurring dream. It was always the same. I was lost in a strange, unfamiliar city, either walking or riding a bicycle, looking for the way home, but being unable to find it. I became increasingly frightened and frantic, unable to even identify one familiar place. I awoke in panic and deep fear. Since I am an immigrant and had difficulty adjusting to this culture, I interpreted the dream as a sign that I had made a mistake, had come to the wrong country, and that I needed to get out of here. My husband and I tried twice to immigrate to another country, but both attempts failed.
      A week after my first meditation retreat I again had this dream, but it had a different ending. Again I was in an unfamiliar city and I was riding through the streets on my bike, looking for a familiar landmark and getting more and more frightened. Suddenly a woman with a small child on her hand steps out of the shadows of the buildings and points to one of the streets. I ride down that street and find my way home. I awoke feeling elated. I knew then that I had interpreted the dream wrong all these years. I thought I was looking for a physical home, when in reality I was trying to find the way to my spiritual home. I knew then that I was on the right path and that meditation was my way home to the stillness in the center of my being--my innermost self.
      Ruth

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  12. Diana, I, too, have lost a body (my Guru's ashram), and so I have a small sense of what you are experiencing. When the ashram closed in 2005 to weekend and short-term visitors and became a cloistered community I felt absolutely bereft and rudderless. Being in my Guru's ashram was literally like walking around in her body. The walkways felt like her veins feeding the lifeblood of grace to us all, the temple where we meditated was her heart throbbing with love, compassion and tenderness, the room in which we chanted was her lungs, the dining hall was her stomach, the gardens were her womb always in the act of birthing beauty, and all around us was her mind, holding us in her single thought of inseparable unity beyond the form. For several years I mourned the loss of this physical connection with her presence, feeling like a piece of flotsam drifting in the vastness of an impersonal ocean. It was very difficult to adjust to even though I knew deep down that there was a lesson in it for me. Over time I regrouped, pulled myself up, honed in on the sensation of love in my own heart and came home to myself in a way that did not need any other external support or outer focus. I found the Guru, the indwelling principle of grace, in my very own body and in my surroundings (whatever they have been since that time). I made my own life my temple in which I could worship God within, and began to see that God does not need a special place in which to dwell, because all of creation is already his home. Do I still miss the ashram and my Guru's physical presence? Yes, but I know that my inner relationship to the external form has deepened in a more lasting, subtle way that can never be taken away or lost as long as I maintain my inner focus and keep my heart open. Have faith, dear Diana, and remember what you already know--that the Conversation is still there all around you in the whisper of the wind through the trees, the delicate sounds of the birds 'being' their songs, the joy and the pain of the people standing next to you in line at the supermarket, and the beauty of God's divine touch that shimmers in every single thing in this universe. Your body is the WORLD and you are its caretaker. Your spirit can never be homeless for you are always surrounded by love. The Conversation, this love, can never be contained--it is ever-free to dance and play where it will and it already waits for you at your next resting place where you will once again kneel to it in reverent humility and awe and be held softly in its welcoming embrace.

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  13. Pam, that is an incredible journey you've shared. I will read it over and over to remind myself of the sometimes subtle comfort that is around us.

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  14. Yes, Pam, as usual your post are full of understanding and knowledge. I am so glad that you had the chance to have you Guru and to learn from her. I know that you must have been heart broken at the loss. But, you are now in the position to guide others! We are here to be guided.

    But each and everyone of us seems to guide each other. Very few posts lack at least a nugget of wisdom for us to share with each other.

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  15. Sherry, I'm finding the depth of longing and innate wisdom in each of the posts to be so uplifting and useful. We each have much to learn from the others and I am so grateful to have found this group and especially Diana whose intense one-pointed desire to live from, in and AS the Conversation is the flame we all seek within our own hearts.

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